Modern Wizard

“Hold it! Hold everything!”

Tobias paused his game. He looked up at the strangely dressed man who had just burst into his living room and the redheaded woman in everyday street clothes who had followed him in. Tobias held back his irritation. He was used to unexpected visitors, but these two seemed particularly strange.

“Do you mind?” he asked. “I was just about the beat the Fire Temple.” He waved his controller at the screen in front of him.

“Ooh, is that Ocarina of Time?” the woman said, stepping past her partner and sitting herself down on the edge of his couch.

“Kaycee,” the man said. “We do not fraternize with the suspects.”

Kaycee rolled her eyes and sat back against the cushions, flipping through the games Tobias had stacked on the side table. “Mario 64, Goldeneye . . . ooh, Banjo-Kazooie! You wouldn’t be willing to let me have this one, would you?”

Tobias stared back and forth between the two visitors. “No . . . what . . . who are you people? What are you doing in my house?”

“Ptolemais Argon,” the main said, pulling a used napkin out of his pocket and flashing it at Tobias. “Magical Detective.”

“That’s a napkin,” Tobias said.

“And this is my partner, Kaycee Martin.”

“’Sup,” the woman said, flashing him the peace sign from behind the guide for Conker’s Bad Fur Day she was now flipping through.

“Okay,” Tobias said. “What are you doing in my house?”

“You’ve been accused of time-traveling all throughout the Medieval Era and impersonating a wizard. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Tobias groaned and tossed his controller aside. He got up on his couch and yanked the manual out of Kaycee’s hands. “Look, I’m not going around claiming to be a wizard, okay? My house just appears in the middle a field or a mountain, and suddenly everyone just assumed it’s a magical wizard’s lair and invited themselves in.”

“And what about reports of a magical wand you used to summon visions of faraway wonders on a crystal ball.”

Tobias dug into his seat cushions and pulled out a remote control. “You mean this?”

“What about the dark magic you used to communicate with spirits from the beyond.”

“I made a phone call.”

“And the horseless chariot you used to carry a villager hundreds of miles away to the Misty Mountains of the North.”

“Car,” Kaycee said before Tobias could say anything. She had been messing around with one of the transformers Tobias had carefully posed on his table. Tobias hadn’t even thought she was paying attention.

Tobias and Ptolemais stared at her, Tobias torn between answering the detectives’ questions and wanting to rip the figure from her hands. “Some guy needed a ride. I took him out in my Chevy. Is that so wrong?”

“What about this King Arthur who received the sword Excalibur from you?”

“Some farm boy liked my Marth cosplay. How was I supposed to know he’d use it to proclaim himself king?”

“And the princess you held hostage?”

“We met at a local tavern. She wanted to see my action figure collection. I didn’t even know she was a princess until that guy broke in here and started waving that halberd in my face.”

“Oh, oh, oh, let me guess,” Kaycee said, holding up the transformer she had successfully changed back into its beast form. “Everybody thinks these are sealed monsters that you have vanquished with your powerful magic.”

“See? She gets it?” Tobias said. He reached for the toy. “Can I have that back, please?”

Kaycee snorted. “No way,” she said. “I’ve been looking for a good condition Inferno forever.”

“Kaycee,” Ptolemais said. “We do not play with the evidence.”

“Oh, please, Tolly,” Kaycee said, getting to her feet, Inferno still gripped firmly in her hand. Tobias reached out to say something but thought better of it. “I think it’s pretty obvious there’s no case here. It’s just the locals being idiots.”

Ptolemais looked a little uncomfortable. “But . . . but you can’t deny he hasn’t been reckless with his usage of modern technology in front of the people of this era.”

“Oh, please. You read his file. The guy’s banned from his own time period over some cyberhacking scheme. What’s he supposed to do, just live as a hermit for the rest of his life?”

“I’ve been trying,” Tobias said.

“Hush, dude,” Kaycee said. “You’re not part of this.”

But it’s literally all about me, he thought.

“Now,” Kaycee said, returning to her partner, “Drop the bravado and let’s leave the poor guy alone with his video games.”

“But,” Ptolemais said, looking back and forth between her and Tobias, “but I had a whole epic one-liner planned out for when we arrested him.”

“I know, I know. You can use it on the next guy. Let’s go.”

“But it was specifically tailored to this guy’s situation.”

“I’m sure it was. Now, carpet. Go.”

Ptolemais’s shoulders slumped. He glared at Tobias. “We’ll be watching you,” he said, before turning on his heel and marching out the door.

Kaycee slipped her phone out of her back pocket and searched through it for a second. She then pulled out a wallet and tossed Tobias a full seventy dollars out of it. “For the royalty,” she said, holding up and pointing at Inferno. “Thanks, bye.” She skipped and headed out the door.

Tobias got up and went to the window to see the pair of them taking off on a magic carpet and disappearing into the distance. Tobias sighed, locked his door, and went back to his game. “I really need to invest in some better locks,” he muttered to himself.